Oftentimes we find ourselves struggling with something that reduces the quality of our lives but don’t want to admit to the real problem. Take my case as an example: I experienced all kinds of unproductive emotions resulting from a negative mindset that narrowed my focus, hurt me and people around me, and kept me from living my life fully. Now I can look back at these experiences and see them as opportunities for growth and forward progress rather than as character flaws. It’s a natural part of life to be wrong but the way to turn it into a right is to gain the wisdom to learn and grow from it. I want to make the world a more positive place and hope that my story can inspire someone else.
Here’s my story:
I had been telling myself over the past 10 years of my life that anxiety, depression, and negative thinking were just a part of my personality resulting from neuroticism, but only after experiencing probably one of the hardest years of my life did I realize I was mistaken. While the pandemic upended a year of my life, it also provided me with some opportunity for growth where I didn’t think I would find it. After taking the psychology course “Resilience Skills in a Time of Uncertainty” by Karen Reivich, PhD (a professor of positive psychology at the University of Pennsylvania) did I start to think differently about my situation. Introspective thinking of where I fell into thinking traps and how to deal with them in real-time changed my life. I have started to become a more optimistic person overall, which has helped tremendously in taking me out of these thinking traps. I have recently found myself turning a negative experience into a positive by thinking about it from a different perspective rather than reacting to it in the moment. I believe by being open and honest about our errors, we can help others realize that they’re not alone and that there is someone out there that can help.
I’m not a psychologist but I have delved into psychology recently to give myself an insight on what I need to know about my own behaviors that may contribute to my anxiety and unhappiness. There is a lot I don’t know and I’m still learning but what I do know is where I fell into common thinking traps.
One thinking trap I fell into last year when the pandemic threw life into uncertainty was the “them” thinking trap, where essentially we tell ourselves that everyone else is the sole cause of our problems or setbacks (1). I viewed things through this lens last year when I saw people living life like normal while I isolated myself. I would get angry at this despite it being out of my control. Thinking back, this wasn’t productive to my mental or physical well-being.
This thinking trap often makes us feel angry or confrontational. Anger is a natural feeling during times of high stress but when it evolves into anger at things out of our control, we should try taking a step back and ask how this way of thinking may be dangerous for our overall well-being. The course I took made me do a lot of introspective thinking: “Where did I go wrong? How did this hurt me and the people around me?”
What’s important to note is that being angry about things out of our control isn’t worth putting our energy towards. This only serves to drain us and traps us in a negative state of mind. This impacts our relationships negatively, causes distrust, and makes us feel like withdrawing. Recently I was able to laugh at myself for thinking this way when I came across a situation that would have made me angry last year. Why worry about things we can’t do anything about, after all?
Another common thinking trap is “me”, which is opposite of the “them” thinking trap. In this case, we blame ourselves for problems or setbacks (1).
Seeing ourselves as the sole cause of a problem invokes a feeling of guilt or general dissatisfaction. By focusing on self-preservation, we often miss the real intention. Maybe someone is concerned about us but didn’t know how to put it in words. When we’re in a negative mindset, things said out of concern tend to be misconstrued negatively. This ends up pushing people away. Like the “them” thinking trap, this can be avoided by considering multiple perspectives and asking questions.
In my opinion, the most important thinking trap to be aware of is the “catastrophizing” thinking trap, which increases anxiety and fear. This involves wasting energy ruminating on the worst outcomes, which is almost always irrational. This thinking trap blocks us from taking action and we underestimate our ability to cope (1). I have been suffering from anxiety since high school but in the past year it got to a tipping point where it was essentially taking over my life. I never tried to understand the patterns in my thinking that contributed to it, which put me in a downward spiral. One way I learned how to break out of this was by practicing mindfulness. When I had an intrusive thought that didn’t matter in the moment, I pushed it away by grounding myself. I observed my surroundings and identified things around me that I could see, hear, and feel. This also helped me notice my surroundings in more depth, including art that I never noticed previously. I felt more creative and took photos that I can look back on that will paint a picture of my experiences. Some other methods of dealing with this are to reframe the situation by saying “a more helpful way to see this is…”, to plan by saying “if x happens, I will…”, or to give evidence to prove to ourselves that our thought isn’t true (1).
It is important to be grateful for the people around us that care. We may not realize it, but there is almost always someone looking out for us. It could be a stranger on the internet we come across who wants to make a change in someone’s life, a friend that is there for us despite all of our mistakes, or it could be our family who have spent their time and effort to raise us to be happy and healthy. We all have a variety of experiences that shape us to be who we are today — but what we were in the past and what we will be in the future ultimately doesn’t matter. What matters is the effort you put in today to make a positive change.
I recently had a conversation with someone who I previously saw as the opposite of me. That really wasn’t the case though — we were going through a lot of the same things but in very different ways. I think that’s why conversation and healthy debate are so important, as this helps us come to an understanding on why we think the way we do. By talking to this person, this gave me the opportunity to think introspectively and made me realize that we have a tendency to see things in black-and-white if we have a negative mindset. In reality, everything is actually painted in shades of grey. Taking the middle ground and thinking critically about different perspectives and opinions allows us to see things in a new light. In addition, this enables us to realize that we may have more in common than we think but process the same information in different ways.
Thinking traps are something everyone experiences but with awareness and understanding of the traps we fall into, it’s easier to deal with them and feel renewed. I certainly came out as a more positive, optimistic, and cognitively flexible person, which has improved my life in so many different ways. Like all things, everything that has happened will pass and we can look at it as a learning experience.
I’m hoping my experience can help others in the same situation. This has been a tough year for everyone with our daily lives being changed by the pandemic, but with conscious effort to recognize our faults and wrongdoings we can be happier, healthier people. We needn’t be ashamed of our mistakes — every experience is essentially just a life lesson. What’s important is to learn how to turn negatives into positives and to learn from past mistakes so as to not repeat them.
If you have felt like you relate to any of these thinking traps, I would highly recommend checking out “Resilience Skills in a Time of Uncertainty” by Karen Reivich, PhD for free on Coursera. https://www.coursera.org/learn/resilience-uncertainty
Note that a cognitive behavioral-based approach may not work for everyone but it is always a great place to start. This is based off of my experiences, which will not describe every situation.
(1) The information related to the definitions of each thinking trap were sourced from the lectures.
Edited by my lovely mother, Dawn S.
